:: greatness is a life well-lived ::

perspective

It's now been more than 4 months since I've had a (paying) job. For awhile it was quite enjoyable. I was motivated and excited to have a time of "sabbatical" to invest in other people and be available to do random opportunities and to sort through some of my own life stuff. I had high hopes to conquer clutter, impact lives, be more joyful and loving, read dozens of books, write and be published...and the list could go on.

But what happened? I'm not quite sure. Life happened, I guess, and time rolled on quickly ahead of me. Many of my lofty goals fell to slumbering as the days stretched before me, and as countless people would ask that horrid question, "So what are you doing now?" and I would fumble for some successful-sounding answer, but only mumble out, "Well, not much. I'm living with my parents, don't have a job and, yeah..." and feel quite like a loser. My life now is so different than my life last year, which I suppose is to be expected. I've never liked stagnation or monotony, and God promises that He's always at work changing us to be more like Christ. And I did this on purpose, brought these changes intentionally.

So, what's my problem with where I'm at in life? It's likely a pride issue, and a control issue. For so long in my life, I've been the maker of my own destiny, or at least, it appeared that way. Whatever I got in my head to do, I did it. If I heard of a grand adventure somewhere else, I'd pursue it. I've declared countless careers and dreams and plans and desires that I'd love to do, setting high expectations for my life and abilities and disdaining those who didn't dream as I did. "Here" was never really satisfying to me; I always longed for the unknown and the adventure of elsewhere. Contentment has always been elusive to me, because my dreams and hopes seemed to paint a different picture than the reality I was living in. "This mess" of existence wasn't what I wanted; "somewhere else" held the key to really living a happy and full life.

Or, that's the mindset that I lived with.

In these four months of "being a loser" I think some significant things have been happening in my heart and mind. It hasn't been easy and more often than not I feel like I'm not doing very well at learning and applying and changing. It's struck me that I'm really not in control of my own life and destiny (that God has a plan that HE is working out), but I am able to control my mind and heart as I respond to this life and its happenings. And I've been confronted with the great importance of the adventure of living well right here, before seeking adventure somewhere else. There's a lot of work that needs done right here, both in my own life and as I live life with others. My mind is a powerful tool, and can be turned to great benefit or great detriment. My attitudes, emotions, will and decisions are a key part of living well in the adventure of daily life. The daily life I've been living hasn't been easy either, with a lot of unique issues and stresses and happenings, but I have hope and trust that God knows what He's doing, that He's building character and grace into my life, that He's teaching me important things, and that He's got a great plan that He's working out in my life through this "strange" time of life.

So, really, it comes down to perspective. And I'm learning to change mine, or God's changing it. And I hope that in this process of losing, I gain what cannot be lost.

posted by FaithChristine @ 11:25